Where to even begin

What.

We’ve all been there, or at least, most of us have: It’s 5am, and suddenly you jolt awake, heart racing, face sweaty. You immediately are hit with the realization that you drank way too much last night, and try to fall back asleep before the memories of everything you did and said come flooding back. Maybe if you fall asleep fast enough, you can just sleep forever and never have to remember.

But eventually, you do wake up. And slowly, those memories crash onto the shores of your terrified conscious: blowing a guy in a bush on a first date, randomly telling your business partner that you’re secretly in love with her (where did that even come from? Is that even true?) telling all your friends, unprompted, that you can never get married because you’d have no one to invite (to which they all looked at each other and murmured, “ok, rude.”)

This isn’t a blog about alcoholism. It’s not even about alcohol, in general. This is a blog about whatever rock bottom moment it is wherein you find yourself saying, “Fuck, I think I need to work on myself.” If you’re me, you have these moments often. Eventually the shame of it wears off, and you are able to convince yourself, “Ok, that was weird, I must have just been going through some shit, but I’m basically a functional person. We all make mistakes!” Until the next rock bottom moment happens… and the next one… until eventually you can no longer convince yourself that these are isolated incidences; this is a pattern. Something is deeply wrong. Something needs to change. Those ashwagandha supplements really just aren’t fixing it on their own, despite the promising Amazon reviews.

Realizing something is probably wrong with you isn’t the hard part, no matter what anybody says. The stigma of struggling is slowly dissipating. Something is probably wrong with all of us, on some level. What matters is if you’re uncomfortable with who you are, and the choices you’re making, then something has to be done. It officially becomes time to WORK ON YOURSELF.

…ok

“I’m just single right now because I’m working on myself.”

“I realized I have some unresolved trauma, so I’m working on myself.”

“I’m obviously a mess, I’m going to start working on myself.”

What the fuck does that even mean? I realize some obvious answers might be: therapy, working out, volunteering, taking a break from dating. But do any of these things actually solve any issues? They might be a distraction. They might offer some coping techniques. They might lead to a healthier body. But what fundamental changes are actually taking place?

Join me, as I attempt to work on myself, and figure out what this actually looks like, in tangible terms.