Codependency Part Four: Valuing Approval of Others More Than Self
During my years of being “home schooled,” I played a lot of Barbies. At least, I thought I played Barbies. I spent entire days at a time dressing the Barbies, coming up with their backstories, deciding what was going to happen, and building their houses by using books as room dividers.
However, once I had finally finished preparing to play Barbies, I lost interest. I didn’t want to do the actual playing part. There always seemed to be more revisions necessary in order to let myself play. Nothing was ever ready.
I find myself doing this still. Once I get my boob job, once I get Botox, once I fix my teeth, once I lose the weight, once I never have anxiety, once I buy a house…. THEN I’ll be present and start living my life. This list of things I think I need in order to finally be a worthy human only continues to grow, as I get older. I never seem to get closer to the point of ever actually starting to live life.
Of course, what is living life? In my mind, living life is waking up in a nice house that never gets dirty, and always saying and doing the right thing, being beautiful and charming and witty, and calmly and maturely handling every situation that comes my way. In my mind, this is achievable if I can just scratch everything off of my preparation list.
In reality, living life is often much messier than that. Sometimes I do manage to be in the moment, and make decisions, and say things… It usually ends up being a disaster. This, to me, becomes further proof that “I’m not ready,” and further revisions must be made so that I can start over and live “correctly” going forward.
I think this all boils down to the same problem, really. At its root, I am deeply insecure.
I’m not insecure about my surface identity. After all, I’ve done almost everything to my physical appearance that I’ve thought I needed, short of a full blown face transplant (still waiting for the science to catch up in that department. I know, they’re doing it, but have you seen it?) I co-own a business. Sometimes I say wise things. I’m a pretty good mom (most of the time.) I have insulated myself with as many things as possible to feel comfortable and good about the impression I’m trying to give others. But that’s the problem; it’s for others. None of this penetrates the deep-seated suspicion that I’m not really worthy of anything.
I’m constantly afraid that people will discover that I’m boring. They’ll think I’m ignorant. They’ll think I’m self-obsessed. They’ll think I’m creepy. They’ll think I’m annoying. They’ll think I’m crazy. They’ll think I’m selfish. They’ll think I’m messy. They’ll think I’m needy. They’ll think I’m delusional. They’ll think I’m fickle. They’ll think I’m a liar.
Obviously, these are the things I truly believe about myself. This is why I have a complete mental breakdown anytime I accidentally reveal any of these qualities about myself to the outside world. I think somewhere along the line, I got it into my head that I am only these undesirable qualities, and my parents knew it, and that’s why I’m ultimately unlovable.
Instead of working on these qualities, I tend to just try to prove to myself and others that they don’t exist. That I’m better than that. Of course, no one is perfect, so I pick “relatable” flaws to identify with, like having anxiety and a drinking problem. (Not that these aren’t also very real flaws of mine, but they somehow feel less personal and therefore less vulnerable.)
Still, inevitably something will happen, or I will do or say something that betrays the hideous shadow woman lurking within, and I. CANNOT. HANDLE. IT.
All of the prep work I’ve done to prove to the world that I’m totally none of those things goes right out the window. I start my apology tour. I acknowledge, but don’t own, my shit; I distance myself from whatever gross behavior I’ve displayed, and try to laugh it off like, “Woo! Who was she?” But I’m not fooling anyone.
I guess I don’t really know how to get rid of Shadow Lady. I hate her. I live in fear of her. However, she is me. If I don’t work on integrating and accepting these aspects of myself, I believe they’ll only get stronger and continue to sabotage me.
Just trying to simply not be any of these things isn’t working- they don’t go away. I need to begin to accept that I am not special; I am not perfect. I have some ugly qualities that I would not have chosen, if I’d been able to pick. But these qualities do not make me less of a person. If anything, they make me more of a person. None of us are perfect.
I don’t think I’ll ever be truly at peace until I can finally decide that Shadow Woman deserves love, too.