Actively Working on It

I spend a lot of time writing. I have spent 32 years imagining scenarios and analyzing what I should do and should say; that way I would be prepared. I have rehearsed responses to everything that could ever possibly happen, as well as to many things that will likely never happen.

And recently, I’ve just stopped. I haven’t practiced at all. I’ve started doing field research, instead.

It turns out, it’s messy as fuck.

I have never felt less in control of my image, or more embarrassed and surprised by the things that come out of my mouth. I’ve also never had more fun.

I’m sloppier and cringier than I’ve ever been in my life, and it’s actually way less depressing than being calculated and rational. I have been able to connect with people in the most imperfect, but actually real, way. And somehow, I’ve started making better decisions. (Not in regards to drinking- that’s still an issue, but one thing at a time.)

I’ve been seeing the guy from Tinder and I have acted in a way that is polar opposite than the dating persona I have portrayed up until this point. I actually tell this guy how I feel, and I accept his kind gestures, and I take some initiative. It’s scary, dawg.

Last night we had been drinking, and he asked if this was a relationship. We’ve been talking/seeing each other for about 6 weeks.

I thought about it for a second, and I told him I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t want to say that, but I knew I needed to.

Old me would have just said yes, because I like him and because I wouldn’t want to disappoint him, or have him lose interest by being told no. I know, though, that I need to focus on myself and work through my issues and not rush into anything. I’ve been rushing from serious relationship to serious relationship for the last 10 years, and I don’t want a rebound boyfriend, at this stage.

I want the next person I date to be someone I could see myself marrying, and I need to do some personal growth before I’m ready for a relationship that serious. I can’t continue to drown out the loneliness with a line of endless dicks for the rest of my life.

It’s early to tell, but I like this guy a lot and I can’t risk rushing into something with him before I’m ready, and eventually fucking it up because I’ve been impulsive or become resentful because I’m ignoring my own needs. I have to get a little stronger first, so that that doesn’t happen again. I do believe I’m on my way, though. I’m growing!

…I’m growing even though I have unrelenting garlic breath that’s still lingering since yesterday. (Toothpaste is no match, that marinara sauce wasn’t fucking around.) Nobody’s perfect.