Unchecked and unstable vulnerability

I broke down and made a therapy appointment.

I’ve spent the last few weeks convincing myself that I’m totally fine, but I think what’s really been going on is that I’ve shut down internally and gone into hyper-positive mode. It hasn’t all been maladaptive; I was able to have a calm face to face conversation with Joey and enforce my boundaries. I signed up for a six-week HIIT bootcamp. I made plans with friends. I started making really raw and honest and funny (to me) videos on TikTok.

But here’s where I fucked up: I downloaded Tinder.

Obviously, I have no business being on Tinder. But Tinder isn’t for relationships, right? It’s for just hooking up with strangers. I think I just needed some attention and some validation and a distraction.

The plan was going perfectly, at first. Not to toot my own horn, but I was actually surprised at the amount of seriously attractive men I was matching with. I started talking to several of them, and suddenly I was booked on dates two weeks out. It was a bit much, but I figured the more the merrier- it’ll help keep things casual and detached, which is about all I had the mental or emotional bandwith for anyway.

You see, I am not mentally ready for anything beyond casual hookups and light dating. I do not yet have a firm enough grip on my drinking, or my emotions. My emotions always jerk me around, and I’m just along for the ride. In the past, I was able to conceal this well by being very distant and cold, and playing it very cool.

But, since I’m currently in the process of trying to break down my walls and actually be vulnerable, this shit is a MESS. It’s just raw, loose nerves on screaming display. I hope to eventually wrangle the emotions, without smothering them, but I’m far away from finding that balance, and I am at the exact wrong point to actually meet somebody great.

I’m starting to think my obsession over “fixing” myself is actually just making things worse. Like I’m identifying issues, but now I’m having to deal with them, and I clearly am not equipped to do this without professional help, because what ends up happening is that I get drunk and then feel the need to inappropriately share every single fear, desire, hope, etc. with whoever has the misfortune of being near me. I come across as unstable, and self-absorbed.

So, I’ve gotten off of Tinder in order to minimize the damage.

Unfortunately, though, I accidentally met someone that I like. Like, at the worst possible time in my mental health journey. He’s getting a real crash course in the extent of how crazy I have the capacity to be. BUT- here is how I know I’ve grown at least a little bit: I’m not running away in shame.

In the past, I would have overcorrected and became very distant in fear of having come on too strong. This time, I know I’ve come on too strong, and I’m just sticking to it. If nothing else, this experience, however embarrassing and stumbling it may be, is giving me practice.

But damn, it burns. It’s taking everything in my power not to ghost this guy because I feel like I’ve already “ruined” it by getting drunk and saying crazy things. The desire to still control the outcome is pulling hard. There is this fear that whispers, “Well, I obviously fucked that up, I’ll see myself out before he has to straight up reject me.” I won’t, though. I’ll take my rejection, if it comes to that, on the chin and keep it pushing.