Uhhh

I’m standing in the shower getting ready to go out with a guy I met on Tinder, when I’m suddenly struck with the horrifying memory of a time I went out with a different guy, and got so drunk that I ended up blowing him in a bush. In public.

“I don’t even know that girl anymore,” I shudder, feeling very much sane and normal.

Flash to 6 hours later, and I’m so drunk, I’m blowing a guy in a parking lot.

“Oh, Bri, that’s tragic, when was this?” You might ask.

Last night. This was last night.

I… don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. WHAT IS THIS.

It’s like no matter how much yoga I do, or self-affirmations I say, or hobbies I try to get involved with, I still end up right back in some drunk hole with a guy’s dick in my mouth.

I’m not slut-shaming myself. I don’t really care about that part, but what I do care about is why I behave this way. Why do I drink so much? There’s clearly a need that’s being met, or I wouldn’t continue to do this. I’d have better self-control.

I was thinking about it all morning with my head in the toilet, and I came to the conclusion that I think I just want to feel connected to people.

I overshare and sexualize myself and drink so much because I want to have a truly human experience, I want to be really “seen” at my most base self. It’s not really a validation thing; I think if it was, I’d do a much better job of representing myself well. I think I just want to be real and raw and sloppy. I want to take the mask off, and I want everyone else to take their masks off, and I want everyone to be gross together.

With a drink or two, you’re still able to think before you speak and act. But with 8 drinks, you’re disgusting… and it’s liberating. Until the next day when your “sane human suit” is back on and you have to live with the mess.

I think everyone who partakes in an addiction is running away from something. I think what I’m running away from is myself, or at least, my fake self, and everything her life involves. I’m running away from how closed off I feel in my daily life. I’m running away from my inability to trust others. And maybe some part of me believes that if I can be really, really honest about who I am, then others will be honest with me, and then I’ll be able to trust them. Then I’ll finally feel connected.

So, if this is the case, then it means I need to find a healthier way to be honest about who I am in a way that isn’t a car-wreck-overshare-violation-of-people’s-boundaries. I also need to work on the trust issues. Which, I guess, bring us back to the how.

I’m going in circles here.

I think another aspect, though, of the drinking and impulsive behavior, is that I want to feel present. I want to live in the moment without overthinking it. Maybe that’s something I can start practicing, without the alcohol.