Maybe it’s paranoid, maybe it’s self-esteem

This road to mental health has been going well, I thought.

I’ve been doing yoga at least 3x a week. I’ve been buying tickets to events so that I have things to look forward to. I’ve been holding myself accountable with these blog posts. I had finally, finally put aside all of my doubts about my relationship with Joey. I was going to be sane, and strong, and work on building a trusting, secure foundation for our future. Gone were the days of me being highly suspicious of all of the inconsistencies in his stories, and the large unaccounted-for blocks of time. I was like, mentally well and zen, now. The reason it’s been chaotic is because I’m just chaotic, right?

So when my friend Izzy messaged me to ask how my relationship was going, I felt proud of myself for saying that it was going well, and that we were working on our shit. I mean, it was the truth. Just earlier that week we had talked to a realtor about buying a house together at the end of the year. We’d discussed marriage. He’d shown me the ring, in person, that he said he planned to propose with.

Imagine for a moment that you have worked for 32 years to be vulnerable. Not only vulnerable in your romantic relationships, but vulnerable to the people around you by publicly endorsing your trust in the person you’ve chosen to be with. It’s been a rough journey, but you’ve finally arrived.

And then imagine that your friend sends you a screenshot of said-partner’s active Tinder account.

Because that’s exactly what happened.

When I confronted Joey, he didn’t deny it. There was no way that he could, anyway. It was verified, and profiles that aren’t recently active don’t show up for other users.

What sucked about it wasn’t just that I had evidence of his recent cheating; what was worse was that it confirmed that all of my past suspicions were completely justified. What sucked was that I had a feeling he was an unfaithful liar two months into the relationship, and had tried to break up with him then, but had instead chosen to turn that skeptical rage inward. I spent three and a half years trying to figure out what was wrong with me for being so suspicious of this totally “nice guy.”

Occam’s razor.

I spent three and a half years cannibalizing myself, trying to get to the root of why I’d “invent” these ideas, instead of just accepting that the evidence was strong that this guy was actually just a piece of shit.

Things are never that complicated. People aren’t that complicated.

What’s that old saying? “If someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

It’s been a few days now since this happened. I blocked him that night and grieved my own stupidity for a few days.

Last night I made the mistake of unblocking him to reply to a very weak letter he’d left on my porch. I took this opportunity to tell him that I felt that he needed to do some serious work on himself, because this isn’t an isolated incident, and I’m not the only person he’s done something similar to.

I told him how what he did affected me. I explained my hurt and embarrassment.

I told him I hoped he got the therapy he so desperately needs, and that he is eventually able to have a healthy relationship, and truly love a person, but that that person would not be me. And then I said goodbye.

(Unfortunately I made the mistake of not re-blocking him at this point, and when he replied with defensive, weak excuses, I couldn’t help retorting with some sarcastic, cutting remarks.)

I woke up today though and blocked him again.

It’s not my job to fix him, or try to help him, or heal him.

This is not the wake-up call that he needs, apparently, but it is a wake-up call for me.

When something similar happened with my ex-husband, it destroyed me. I felt unworthy and ashamed that I somehow was not enough. I don’t feel that way this time. This time, I know that people cheat because they’re too immature to leave a relationship, and/or because they’re insecure and desperately need validation. This has nothing to do with me.

I know that I will be ok after this. I know that I deserve someone who loves me the way I deserve to be loved. And I have to learned to trust my own instinct more.

This isn’t a step backwards; this isn’t a terrified retreat back into the safety of my own fortress. The lessons I learned about vulnerability are still valid; I just know now how to better integrate being vulnerable with being smart.

Balance.